im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
