why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
