if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
