I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Can i not drive my cunt home
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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