So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
