Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Randomize
