Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
