his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
