I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
