just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
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Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
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I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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