I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
not ubering you a puppy
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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