i jhust puked up my retainher.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
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