wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
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i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
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Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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