I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
