well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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