haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
