I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
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