she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
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