I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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