I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
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