its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
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I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
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You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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