I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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