i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
