Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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