Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Just high enough for therapy.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
