man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
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