I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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