I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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