Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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