mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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