i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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