the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize
