tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
