alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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