I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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