I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize