he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
