it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
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