My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
