Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
