I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
