I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
