I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
