when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
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