Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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