2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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