You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
