remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
