she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
