I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
this hospital has no fireball
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
