Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
