when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
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