The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
