I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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