i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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