Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
