yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
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