I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
