I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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