If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
