i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
