Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
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