We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Randomize
