so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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