I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
God I need to hump something, right now.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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