I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
