So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Randomize
